The Original You

Part 1:

Caught in yet another stagnated phase, panicked again about my future with depression once again beckoning me to just let go of the rope from which I was slowly slipping, I found a burst of just in time strength to seek the God in me for new direction for my life. It would be a meditation session unlike any I'd experienced before. Deep introspection opened up very pointed questions, the answers to which lead to a powerful revelation that there was no escaping a return to my original self if I were to successfully recreate the life I knew was originally intended for me. I needed to retrace my steps to the earliest memories of my natural gifts and abilities. It would be necessary to reconnect with the true me for serious life changes to occur. The trick was however; to make room for the original me it was necessary to release the shroud I had so carefully designed to hide the scars of an emotionally bruised, abused, rejected child. This child with no identity grew up with no concrete goals and who, having never learned how to protect herself allowed abuse and its effects to continue long into adulthood. Hiding from the pain of abuse, also meant hiding from healing and I was hidden along with the pain I was hiding. And although I knew I wanted to overcome and achieve, I had no real plan or know how to do it. All I knew was I didn't want to hurt anymore.

You see, the emotional turmoil adult survivors of abuse live in covers up who they really are and they tend to suffer silently and alone having never learned the correct life building skills to prepare a path of success for themselves. The connection between the effects of abuse or neglect of their early years and current behaviors is often delayed, resulting in persistent bad habits.Their values become distorted and you find many of these are underachievers or lawbreakers, mentally unwell and failing. It is not because of lack of ability that they fail for they were equipped at birth with everything they needed to make it through this life but, they fail because they were never taught their own value, never supported to believe they could become great or make a positive contribution to their environment. Imagine what happens when a lively, happy child is sexually abused and then lives with the shame and guilt of it, trying desperately to pretend it never happened but feels more nasty about his or herself with each flashback. How does this person go on to live a confident, productive life without a major intervention? After being unloved by her mother and rejected by her father, a girl's need to be loved and accepted will compel her to repeat futile mistakes of chasing love over and over again, down some really dark alleys of heartbreaking situations while she wonders why she is not good enough for anyone to love. A child aware of not being loved grows up with self loathing that lands them in the chaotic aftermath of senseless decisions and even as an adult still asks the questions: What's wrong with me? Why am I not loved? Why am I not wanted? Why can't I get it right? Relationship and social issues including disrespect of authority, distrust of self and others pave the way for failure at work and most everything attempted in adulthood. But not all adult survivors are material failures. The excessively competitive attitude of over acheivers give a clear indication that these are not entirely happy with themselves. From all surface appearances they may appear successful however, this type of failure is more the spiritual type for such survivors who are distanced from the original intention of contentment and joy, if they need to prove their worth by winning all the time.

We were never intended to live in confusion, lack and frustration. We were fearfully and wonderfully made with divine purpose, creative ability, beautiful, confident, joyful and serenely connected to our creator. To ensure that we would function in purpose, God originally blessed us with gifts and special abilities that would glorify Him, provide for ourselves and bless each other. If we are living mediocre lives way below our potential we are not living like we were meant to live. Whatever the reason for our unhappiness, it is now up to us to find that person God intended us to be.

The questions God asked me to get me back on track to me are the same ones I ask you to ask yourself as you contemplate bringing your daily activites into alignment with your purpose. Here's a brief playback of the conversation between me and God the night I broke free and began to see myself diffferently.

God: This life of freedom, happiness and success you so yearn for, you have to create for yourself. YOU have to do it.

Me: Me? I've been waiting all these years for you to give me a break and now at over forty you tell me I have to make a life for myself?

God: Yes, you have to do it. I can't do it for you. If you want that degree, YOU have to enroll in school and persevere until you finish. If you want a business,YOU have to find the discipline to do the research, write and follow the plan and YOU have to do the work it takes. These dreams you harbour will not just come out of the clear blue, YOU have to make them come true. YOUR hands YOUR feet, YOUR voice. I can help you with inspiration, I can send you creative ideas, I can guide your thoughts, I might even be able to inspire someone to help you as you are helping yourself, but I cannot do the actual work for you.

Me: O boy! Now you tell me! Ok, fine so I have to do it with the little time I have left. I have to make a life for myslef. Fancy me going back to school now I'm over forty. I'll never finish...

God: One step at a time. Do things the right way starting now. It's true you were a neglected one who never had proper training so you are a bit behind but, now you can teach yourself how to correct the wrongs of your life and you can start today and take your time. You can still make it!

Me: OK. But what will I do? Where do I start? I don't even know what to study if I go back to school. I don't want to be an interior designer anymore.

God: What were the subjects you excelled in at school even from the earliest years?

Me: O that's easy. Writing, languages, speech and drama, music, all the arts in fact.

God: What did you first want to be when you grew up?

Me: A writer.

God: What was your first love, the first talent you knew you possessed?

Me: That also is easy. Writing! That's how I escaped my troubles, I enjoyed the freedom and joy writing provided me.

God: Go back to your first love. And then go back to school for all the subjects where you shone in your early years. You'll shine in those areas in your later years because those were natural to you. A liberal arts degree will encompass all the subjects you enjoyed and you can develop your writing abilities. Studying, working and serving in those areas that are so easy for you and that bring you such joy will inspire you, give you a fresh start where you can reconnect with your original self. Now write the book! And so God not only showed me how to begin to heal and rebuild my dilapidated life after abuse but also gave me permission to write the book OUTSPOKEN to reconcile my failures with the ravages of my past then use it to help reconstruct lives.

What I learned from those moments with the God in me is that, even though I was weary, hampered with the burden of the effects of abuse, neglect, rejection, I still had to keep moving if I wanted better. The pain of healing is almost as real as the pain of the actual abuse which causes us to want to continue living in denial, or just dreaming of an escape without doing the work. The things that happened to me were not fair to me, I did not ask for them to happen and the effects are real but my life is still my own to make or break. God can only help me so far, others can only support me to a point. If I stand still, everything around me and connected to me will stand still including help and healing. Nothing will go and nothing will come if I don't determine to make a change. I have to find the strength and perseverance to carry on to what I was before abuse interrupted my progress.

With the new instructions for life I had to go back to unearth my gifts and talents in order to find the original me. In grade school I began developing talents that were beginning to grasp the attention of teachers and classmates. Not only was I emerging as a brilliant writer, I was a surprising vocalist, actress, a talented fine artist. I was a bright, popular child with a promising future until abuse stopped me cold. beautiful, strong, amazingly creative person gifted with, among other blessings, deep compassion and a passion for the justice and wellbeing of others had to be separated from the trauma of childhood abuse. My new mission was to go back to the place where I buried the gifts with the trauma.

Unearthing the gifts was a daunting task because it required facing the truth about what I had up until then lived in denial about; I was an abused child and my behaviors were clear evidence. The pain and anger I carried hidden inside get in the way of setting goals, making sound decisions, maintaining relationships and so constant upheaval and crises after crises became the pattern I was ineffectively trying to build upon. That unreal outer structure of confusion, irritability, failure addiction and retreat had to be knocked down for the real me to come forth again. Remembering who I am, that is the original me (not just who I was) has given me the courage to come out of hiding and begin to shine...

I write mostly on behalf of survivors of abuse but all must take note. Your gifts are essentially connected to the original you. The activities you enjoy are usually your natural gifts and talents. While you prosper in the things you like to do you are operating as you were originally meant to. If you have little money but love what you do or something you volunteer for brings you fulfilment you are connected to the original you.

Embrace who you were originally meant to be and make it your goal to become just that. Fight for your gifts and talents, your creativity, your self respect, and know that you are worthy of true love. You can accept that God loves you, and that knowledge will inhibit you from chasing blindly after the wrong type of love. No longer do you have to be anxious about your future for now you know you can take your time to get there, panic attacks will be a thing of the past. You were never intended for panic.You don't have to be an eternal victim of abuse but a true survivor. You are indeed strong, talented, worthy of honor and respect and you don't have to settle for mistreatment. No longer do you have to live in shame, and fear. You can develop and use your gifts to bless and you can live each day joyfully, while spreading this joy because that's how you were originally intended to function. Make it your mission to find and live like the original you!

Coming soon: Part 2. The gifts of the original you.